I feel my chest clenching. I can feel the cosmos- its here, right here in my heart space. But it feels like a vacuum, sucking my breath into it, caving in. Heaviness. This ... this is where the infinite sadness resides.
My heart is the key to my healing. My heart is the last frontier. I know my heart has been hurt physically and emotionally. Deep wounds reside there.
But these wounds are not mine right now. These wounds are from long ago. I can see the scar across the smoothness of its surface. This scar no longer bleeds but there is tension, a tightness, a rugged line of scar tissue that is tough to the touch.
A softening is required.
To massage this scar, to soften, to make tender again. I see the scar so vividly, I can see this wound for what it is. This wound is not mine but I carry it with me. A reminder. A reminder of pain, but this pain is not mine. And I can step out of it! I can step away and observe- I observe my heart, its deep wound, with its tough scar. And I begin to massage it with loving energy, to caress it and offer compassion.
I see you, my wounded heart.
I see the pain.
I see but I do not feel it as my own. This heart is timeless and infinite. It has been living in the shadow because it has not been seen, it has remained hidden because of its pain, its scar, its wound. This heart years for the light and craves to be seen . To commune. To massage away the pain and soften its tough tissue. This heart craves healing, to be whole, warm, and to stand in the light. This heart will always carry a small mark, faint and barely noticeable, a reminder of its past pain and suffering. A reminder that it was made whole again by the light. The shadow is no longer and the cosmos that resides there is no longer a vacuum but an outward swirling energy that expands and grows, providing breath- not sucking it in and away.
This heart has been beating for eternity. I know this heart has known great pain, physically and emotionally. But this heart is a healer, resilient and beating with purpose. This heart is not broken. This heart is.
This is an excerpt from my personal journal. I have been debating on sharing these more personal entries but this particular healing experience kept floating across my mind this morning and I felt compelled to share. This is an example of automatic writing for healing, its somewhat fragmented as what I was seeing was roughly being translated to writing. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with this dense and dark feeling that would make my chest feel as though it would cave in. This feeling would creep in anytime it wanted and would hang out for as long as it liked. It wasn't anxiety or depression per say, as it rarely impacted my ability to go about my life. But it would sit there, heavy and foreboding. I named it my 'infinite sadness' back when I was in High School because that was the only way I could describe this feeling.
This entry and healing experience happened back in March. I had just meditated and had been coping with this feeling since the day before. I finally sat there, in complete surrender, and asked my guides to reveal to me what needed to happen to find healing from this sadness. So I cleared my mind, pulled out my journal and began writing what I saw in my minds eye.
The vision I experienced was quite literally my anatomical heart. Entwined with energy and physical qualities. For the first time I felt able to step away from this infinite sadness and observe it, to separate myself from what wasn't mine to carry. I truly believe this was past life or generational healing. In my minds eye I watched myself massaging the scar tissue, showing compassion, and creating space for deep release.
I have not felt this 'infinite sadness' since that day.
Sometimes it takes me by surprise, but then I have a deep sense of knowingness that all is right and something within me was resolved. Often in my appointments with my Ayurvedic Practitioner my heart energy would be low and sluggish even if I felt well- the readings have been like this for years. But now my heart energy comes back with a clear and healthy reading- and I don't think this coincidence.
I hope this account of my own healing helps to inspire and support you as well- these past and deep wounds can feel overwhelming and in my case I just needed to surrender it to the Divine and be guided through self healing.
All my love